Article by Bronwyn Marquardt
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that any newly-single man or woman must be in need of a date.
With apologies to Jane Austen, it's true: dating is an issue dear to the broken hearts of those in the throes of separation and divorce.
Even those who swear 'never again' are eventually tempted by the thought of rediscovering love, trust, intimacy, or just companionship and fun with someone else.
But when is acceptable to start dating again? What are the do's and don'ts? How do you identify potential axe-murderers and stalkers? And how do grown-ups meet eligible singles anyway?
A recent www.i-dont.com.au survey revealed that 41 per cent of you wait a few months before dating again, with slightly more (42 per cent) waiting at least a year. But a whopping 17 per cent date immediately after separation - a percentage that is sure to have counsellors shaking their heads, since most advise waiting about 18 months after a split before embarking on another serious relationship.
While dating clearly does not constitute a serious relationship, the danger is that flings can be harmful if you indulge before you're ready, and that all too often, innocent dates can turn into something more serious when singles are vulnerable.
My Ex is already in another relationship, and I'm still getting over him. How can he move on so fast?
When you find out your Ex is involved with someone else, it's a serious kick to the stomach. All the inadequacies and fears you faced during the initial break-up will rear their ugly head. If you'd been holding out hope for a reconciliation, you have to face the fact that your Ex has moved on. You may abuse him for seeing someone new, harass his new partner, or try to win him back. Sometimes, that can be altruistic, because you still care - for example, you may know the new love interest is bad news, or that your Ex isn't ready for another relationship yet. Sometimes, it's just because you're jealous, and you know it's another nail in the coffin of your relationship. And that's perfectly natural.
Usually, one person initiates the split. He or she has already had time to mourn the end of the relationship and start thinking about a life with someone new. Sometimes, the transfer of affection may even have begun before the split, even if it never led to an affair. Your Ex probably doesn't mean to rub the salt into the wound by stepping out with someone new; he's just already moved on emotionally and physically. It sucks, but there it is.
Sometimes too, those who are hurting feel the need to embark on a string of head relationships and one-night stands. They do this to boost their self-esteem, punish their Ex, win their Ex back, or just because they can. Others, are so lonely and confused, they throw themselves headfirst into new relationships that they talk themselves into thinking are great.
Don't waste too much time worrying about what your Ex is doing now. As hard as it is to step back, he's no longer your property. Instead, concentrate on your own needs, and move at your own pace.
My Ex is seeing someone who is totally wrong for her. When I tried to warn her, she said I was jealous and should butt out!
Brad Pitt reportedly tried to warn Jennifer Anniston to warn her about her new boyfriend Vince Vaughan's reputation as a ladies man. When she refused to return his calls, he then told Vince to stay away from her! No doubt, Jennifer was secretly thrilled he got worked up about it. And in spite of her Ex's advice, perhaps because of it, ignored it anyway.
But here's the thing: As painful and annoying and horrible as it is to imagine your Ex with someone else, and as much as you want to interfere, you no longer have that right. She's your Ex now, your past.. Save your energy and your concern for your own life, not hers.
There is one exception to the rule of not interfering with a former lover's new love life, and that's when you share children. Parents have the right to insist the person an Ex is seeing is sober, trustworthy, and a good influence on the kids. And they should have a say in how and when the kids are told about the new partner, and how much they are exposed to another relationship too.
My Ex is bitter because I'm with someone else.
She says I should wait at least a few months to move on out of respect to her. But my girlfriend is sick of having to hide our relationship. Who is right?
As much as your Ex no longer has a say in who you see and what you do, she has a point.
People can't help falling in love, and you deserve to be happy. But the truth is that when most people separate, initially at least, usually only one of you wants out. Meanwhile, the pain, confusion and suffering of the rejected Ex is amplified by knowing that the person she loves has chosen someone else.
If you still feel anything for your Ex, is it too hard to rein it in a little? If your new partner really cares, she won't mind keeping it low-key while you get your separation sorted out.
This is a particularly sensible and compassionate road to take if you have kids. This way you move onto a 'new' relationship once you're separated. So the children have a chance to accept your new partner, instead of blaming her for breaking up the marriage.
I'm ready to date, but have no idea how to meet people anymore. Do you have any hints?
A recent i-don't.com.au survey revealed that 47 per cent of people prefer to meet potential partners through friends. Internet dating (29 per cent) was next popular, followed by pub bar scene, speed dating and lunch clubs (all 6 per cent), and introduction agencies (3 per cent).
The key to meeting people is to take the emphasis off meeting a potential date, and concentrate instead of meeting interesting friends who will make your life happier. How you do that is up to you.
Don't nag friends to set you up, but certainly, put the word out to friends, family and colleagues that you're ready to move on, and ask them to introduce you to anyone nice.
Take up hobbies, learn a language, do a course, go to parties, anything that gets you out of the house and meeting people. Think outside the box: one woman I know regularly meets like-minded men at her local off-leash dog park; a man does quite well at the school gate and attending school and sport functions with his son; and several couples recently got together while doing volunteer work at a hospital.
Of course, when you do meet someone, take precautions - and I'm not just talking safe sex. Meet at a public place, at least for the first few times, don't drink or take drugs, and tell someone where you're going and with whom.
Above all, have fun.
Bronwyn Marquardt, Journalist and Author of Happily ever Parted.