Divorce Ceremonies - A Threshold to the Rest of your Life
Article by Marlee K Bruinsma
The general purpose of all ceremonies is to mark a significant passage in your life, acknowledge its meaning for you and usher you through the door into a new phase in your life. A divorce ceremony acknowledges the death of your marriage and your grieving process and it also celebrates your re-birth into your post-married life.
What does a divorce ceremony include?
Most divorce ceremonies include:
(1) an acknowledgement of the validity of your feelings about the end of your marriage
(2) an acknowledgement of your worth as a person
(3) a way forward
(4) an acknowledgement of your continuing role as a parent to your children (if any)
(5) an acknowledgement of your community of friends and family (if any) and their continuing role in your life
(6) rituals corresponding with these elements.
Not all of these will apply and it is important to design the ceremony to suit you as an individual.
Each ceremony is constructed to meet your individual needs at the time of holding the ceremony. These needs may be different depending on how long after your divorce you hold your ceremony.
Who should attend?
You can hold a ceremony by yourself or with friends or family or children. The actual ceremony is designed with who attends your ceremony in mind. If you are a woman, you may decide to hold a women-only ceremony and, likewise, if a man, you may prefer to include just your mates. This may give you the freedom to express yourself more freely than you would in mixed company. Just the same, the ceremony is not designed to dwell on the negative aspects of your divorce or marriage, so while these may be acknowledged, it is about taking steps to free you from those aspects so that you begin to look at life anew.
Can a ceremony be held with an ex-partner?
Yes, it can, if your separation and the subsequent divorce have been fairly amicable. This can be a way of bringing some closure to the relationship, by acknowledging those things that your relationship brought to you. You may like to re-exchange rings, this time returning the ring to each other. Another symbolic action is to light two candles from a marriage candle, representing your individual journeys from this point on.
Including children
If you have children, then in an amicable arrangement, this can be a good way of acknowledging to your children that you are still both committed to your children as their parents and reassuring them of your love for them. You can accompany the ceremony with a gift for each child, something small and symbolic that they can hold onto when needing reassurance (a soft toy, a doll, a polished crystal, a necklace,) or do something with them (turn on a lamp, look at a photo album, snuggle in a wrap or lap blanket, write in a diary.)
Other rituals
Other rituals you can include in your ceremony is a ritual burning of a list you have made of the things that went wrong or were negative in your marriage, releasing them so that you no longer have to carry them. You could throw your ring into a body of water (I did this and it felt like a way of taking back control over the ending of the relationship). You could buy a small ceramic pot (a wishing pot) and place in it all the things you would like now to attract into your life. These can be affirmed aloud or silently. You can call upon the four directions or the four winds to bring you the qualities you need now to move forward in your life.
There are so many ways of designing your ceremony to fit you and your circumstances. Take the time to feel what you need to as you go through the ceremony and plan an ending that is comforting or festive.
Changing your name
If you have changed your name, you may like to publicly acknowledge that change in the ceremony.
Involvement of others
Holding a ceremony with others can be very affirming. You can ask them to write down wishes for you that are then hung on a blessing tree. If a small group, you may stand in the middle and they can affirm the qualities in you that they love and also their intention to support you, for example, "When you need a hug, I will give you one," "You can call me when you need to talk," "I offer to babysit the children so that you can have a weekend away."
Your friends and family will also benefit from the ceremony - instead of not knowing what to say, the ceremony will give them the clues they need in order to communicate to you about your separation and divorce. It is often a helpful healing process for them too, if they have been close during your marriage. Ask everyone to bring a plate of food for a feast afterwards. Include music - perhaps new music you have discovered since your divorce. Decorate your home or the place where you are holding the ceremony to make it an occasion. Have candles, incense, flowers, even gifts.
Make it festive. © Marlee K Bruinsma - 2011 www.heart2heartceremonies.com.au