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A Coaching Case Study
The divorce has been ugly, you feel like you have been run over by a train. You are still reeling from it all. One thing is for sure though, you are going to make the best of it and make this as a new start to your life, by hook or by crook.
Where do you start? How can you get back on track the best way? How can you make it happen for yourself, find your confidence, find yourself, feel that you are heading in the right direction?
Someone mentioned life coaching to you recently, maybe that is worth investigating. But how does that work? What is a Coach going to tell you? How is a Coach going to help you get your life back on the rails?
Coaching is a process that relies on a number of principles. The most important ones are:
· People know much more than they think they do
· People have far greater resources than they think they do
· People work best and are most motivated when challenged and stretched
· People want to take responsibility for their life and work.
· No two brains are the same, learn the same or work the same
What follows is a case history from my own practice that demonstrates a number of these principles, better than I could explain it. More information and resources are available on my website http://www.newperspectives.com.au
John
I worked with a client not long ago who had become single again in his forties. We shall call him John, not his real name obviously, but the conversations are completely real and authentic. One of the Goals he developed with me at the beginning of a twelve week Coaching series was “I feel I am an attractive Sexual Man”.
When we started talking about this goal neither of us had any idea how John would achieve it, or even what direction we would be going. John had been married for 25 years to a woman he met when he was 19 and he was totally unsure how to meet women, how to date and how to form new meaningful intimate relationships.
This was one of the early conversations we had:
Me: So John, your goal is to feel that you are an attractive sexual male, what does that actually mean for you?
John: Hmmm well I suppose I want to feel that when I am in a bar or at a party or at the office, or at the post office for that matter, I can walk up to a woman and flirt with her, and enjoy her company and she mine and that we might click and meet each other again.
Me: So you want to go to bars and pick up?
John: Well yes, but that is not really what the goal is about, I suppose.
Me: What is the goal about for you?
John: Good question, Not sure really, I want to be in a new relationship with someone, but I don’t feel that any woman would be very interested in me, or at least not the type of woman I would be interested in myself.
Me: You don’t think interesting, attractive women would want to meet you, date you, or be interested in having a relationship with you?
John: Well no, I don’t, I have never noticed that any woman was ever interested in me, other than as a friend, or a mate, know what I mean?
Me: I see. Ok, can I make a couple of suggestions about how to proceed from here?
John: Yes of course.
Me: Firstly we might want to have a look at what you imagine would be the sort of woman you would be interested in.
John: Yes that could be useful.
Me: Second, What do you think are the things in a man that those women would be interested in?
John: Ok, sounds good.
Me: Third: which of those things, you feel you don’t have.
John: Well I am sure that will be a long list.
Me: And which bits of you are already attractive to those women.
John: Not sure about that, that is going to be a tough one!
Me: Shall we just see where that takes us anyway?
John: Ok, no worries.
Me: What else do you want to explore?
John: Well, for one thing: how do I meet these women, where are they?
Me: Yes good idea, what else?
John: I suppose I can start a list of things I need to do to make myself more attractive.
Me: Sure, ok what else?
John: hmmmmmm, not sure really
Me: What else do you want to do to get yourself on the road forward?
Me: We are going to define what sort of women you are looking for; and what those women are looking for; we are going to get into strategies to make you more attractive to those women; and we are going to work out where those women are; anything else?
Confidence
John: Ahhh yes, I suppose this is the big one. I wouldn’t know what to say or do, if I were in a bar and came across a woman I would really like to talk to and get to know, I would be dumb founded. What do you talk about, how do you start a conversation, all that sort of stuff. So we will need to work on my skills, or whatever we call that.
Me: Is that confidence?
John: Good one, yes I get so scared at the thought of having to talk to a complete stranger, the chills run down my spine just thinking about it now!
Me: Great, we shall go to work on your confidence, anything else?
John: No I think that will do for now, this should keep me busy enough for the next 12 weeks, smiles. Wow that is going to be a hell of a journey!
As you can see, in this very short conversation we went from having no idea where to go with this goal to having a clear strategy mapped out. In the process John has become much clearer about what is important for him in this area of his life. John has come to the conclusion that what he really wants to be is more confident. Suddenly through the process of systematically breaking the big scary goal down into manageable steps, he can see that there are possibilities for him, and already he feels much more positive about relationships.
Attractiveness
During the next week John spent some time writing down the characteristics of the type of woman he would like to find and fall in love with, and he wrote a list of all the things that such a woman might be looking for. He also wrote down what he felt he was short on himself and what was already attractive about him. In the next session we brainstormed around where this woman might be and where he might meet her.
We had some very useful and positive conversations around all of these topics. John actually came to the realisation that he was actually a lot more attractive than he thought he was. There really wasn’t much wrong with him at all. John decided that the only two things he really needed to do something about were to get fitter and lose 5 kg and to make some effort to dress differently in his new single life.
After some exploration, John decided to join a gym, and stop going to the pub for lunch every day.
This is a little of the conversation we had about that:
Me: Great John, so we are in week three of this series, and you have decided that you need to be a bit fitter and healthier. You have decided to join a gym, and you want to stop going to lunch at the pub every day, right?
John: Yes that seems a good plan to get started with.
Me: Good stuff, but joining a gym doesn’t burn many calories.
John: Laughs, true, I don’t think having the membership card in my wallet is going to help much, no I will go to the gym and exercise.
Me: Yes? How often? How long? What are you going to do there?
John: Ok Ok Ok, I get the message, I will go to the gym three times a week, after work, Monday, Wednesday and Friday, how is that?
Me: Good, is that what you want to do? Is that going to work for you?
John: hmmm, yes, well uhhhh that does mean I can’t go and have some drinks after work on Fridays, and I enjoy that, so maybe that isn’t such a good idea. Ok, let’s scrap Fridays and make it Thursdays. Actually that isn’t a great idea either, because then I would not be going to the gym from Thursday to Monday.
John: I know, I always spend Saturdays with my youngest son, I bet he would enjoy going to the gym with me on Saturdays. So here is the deal: Let’s make it Mondays and Wednesdays after work, and then Saturdays with my son. That kills two birds with one stone, he needs to get some more exercise and it is always nice to have something to do with him, so, that will be nice.
Me: Excellent, That sounds great, shall we write that down?
John: Yes I have written it down.
The Pub
Me: And what about going to the pub for lunch every day? What does that mean, what do you want to do about that?
John: Hmmm, the pub, it would be a shame never to go to the pub for lunch again; I actually enjoy it a lot. Let’s see, ok what I will do, is I will limit myself to only going to the pub for lunch on the days that I go to the gym, that way I will feel that I am rewarding myself for going to the gym. The other days I will get a healthy sandwich, and either go to the park or take it back to the lunch room and read the paper.
Me: Lovely, that sounds like a beautiful strategy for you. Thank you for really working that out so thoroughly!
In this conversation it becomes clear what the difference is between making a New-Years resolution that doesn’t go anywhere and working with a coach. Most of us have made resolutions like John made about going to the gym for example, but we don’t take the time to work things out so they are going to work long term. If we hadn’t drilled down a little further, the chances are that John would not have gotten to the gym three times a week very often because of his Friday evenings. He would probably have started to feel guilty about that and in the process not enjoyed his socialising after work as much either. The regime of going to the gym and losing weight would have lost momentum very soon. As it was John lost the 5 kg by week 8. At last count he is till going, looking trim taut and terrific, feeling great about himself, enjoying drinks after work, and having a nice time with his son at the gym every Saturday.
New Image
The conversation continued like this:
Me: Now on this issue of how you dress. You feel you need to do something about your wardrobe is that right?
John: Yes I think so, I mean pretty well all the clothes I own and wear, were chosen and bought for me by my wife, over the past 25 years. I am making a new life for myself now. I think it is time for me to decide how I want to portray myself.
John: But the thing is, I have no idea how to go about buying new clothes, what to try on, what colours, where to go.
John: How do you do that? Just walk in to David Jones and then what? What floor do I even go to? Laughs!
Me: Well what do you think you could do?
John: Oh I don’t know. I feel so stupid; I wish I could go with someone who could show me the ropes. It was always so easy, my wife would just come home with some new shirts and I was always happy to wear them, but now…….
Me: So you would like to have someone to help you over this hurdle? Do you know someone who you could ask to go shopping with you?
John: Nah, my mates are just as hopeless as I am in that respect.
Me: How could you find some help?
John: Actually, I just remembered something, the café I go to on Sunday mornings. They have a table with cards and brochures on it from businesses etc. I think I noticed a card the other day from a guy who advertises as a personal grooming and colour consultant, I wonder if I could employ him to go shopping with me?
Me: That is a great option, it is quite popular these days. I actually have a friend who does that sort of thing, and she is always out shopping with people.
John: Cool, ok let me go and find that card and I will give him a call, and find out what he charges, and then maybe I could have the name of your friend too?
Me: Of course, sounds like a great plan.
John: Wow, I am already looking forward to going shopping like that; it will be great fun I reckon!
The conversation about John’s new image shows how powerful it is to give people the time and space to come up with their own answers. The coach could of course have told John about his friend who is an image consultant right at the outset, but there were all sorts of options for John. As it was, I as the coach didn’t think of my friend the image consultant either at the beginning of that conversation. The temptation for anyone is to you jump right in with advice and solutions. But by John working the issues through himself, he came up with the answers much more powerfully.
John did go shopping with the image consultant he found in the café, and by his account he spent far too much money, he had a ball, and went shopping for another outfit, by himself, three weeks later. John was very pleased with himself when he showed up at our next session after that!
This is what coaching is about, and this is why it could be for you at this stage of your life.
Post script:
In case you are curious: John started dating before we finished the series. He felt proud of himself, and was really enjoying life. As of today, 6 months later, John has graduated from dating to a more serious relationship. I spoke to him two weeks ago. He is madly in Love, feels great about his new life and his new Love. When I asked him how he rates himself on his goal of “I feel I am an attractive sexual man” his response was: “Off the scale mate, my girl is so gorgeous, I still can’t quite believe that I found her and that she is in Love with me, but she is, totally! It is amazing, fantastic, wonderful, and everything I dreamt of.
Roland Hanekroot, of New Perspectives Coaching. |