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The marriage is finished but i'm not!
The
breakup of any relationship brings with it a host of issues which have to
be faced sooner or later.
The
media floods us all with statistics about the number of marriages which
founder each year, and the danger is that we could all become immune to
the pain and grief which accompanies each relationship which falters.
There may be some relief at first at being out of a situation, but however
horrendous the time leading up to the separation, there is still the
disappointment and heartache felt on some level - even if it is only about
the sadness that this partnership didn’t work out. In the beginning
there must have been at least shared dreams for the future and hope that
you had found a lifelong mate and that special someone you could love, and
who would love you back.
However
independent a woman is, part of her identity is bound up with her husband,
and when that thread is broken some women feel they have gone into
free-fall, and there is no one to catch them. This can be especially so if
there have been years of being a wife and mother.
When
researching for my books on the family I spoke with many women either
divorced or going through the process, and I heard a common refrain. Often
it was a simple and direct comment: ‘I liked being a wife’ or ‘I was
happy being part of a couple - it’s terrible to start all over again,
especially if you didn’t want the breakup in the first place.’ ‘I
hated all that dating when I was eighteen, but it’s dreadful at
fifty-eight.’ and ‘Even the supermarkets think in couples - everything
is packaged for two.’
So
first there is the loss to recover from, and this can take time. This may
be especially so if you have been the unwilling partner in a divorce, and
feel anger and shock to think that this situation has come about at all.
For those women who have children to care for there is a down side because
even in grief the children’s needs still have to be cared for at this
time of crisis. And children of any age will be affected by the breakup.
On the plus side though, life does have to go on. The clothes have to be
washed and food put on the table.
For the
woman now on her own, the outlook can be bleak and very lonely. Angela
told me that she knew it would have been easier if she had been a widow.
She felt people may have had more sympathy and concern. Like many older
women, she had been reluctant to tell friends that her marriage had hit a
rock after forty years, and that meant she struggled along on her own,
even denying at first that there was a problem. ‘I couldn’t let myself
believe it for a long time, so how could I tell our friends? I had to, of
course, once Les moved out. Our friends were all so embarrassed. It just
made me feel worse.’
Finance
can be a major worry, and women who did work outside the home often had to
work longer hours, and in many cases juggle childcare arrangements as
well.
Yet
there were women who were able to take a big breath and somehow pick
themselves up. Kate told me that one morning she woke up and decided that
she would not waste any more energy just wishing she still had her ‘old’
life. ‘I never looked back after that.’ she told me.
I heard
from women who had never worked outside the home before, yet who went out
and got a job, any job, in order to meet people and to develop new
interests. Women took up studies, joined clubs, learnt new sports. Amy, in
rebellious mood, told me she dresses in black every day - a colour
forbidden in earlier times, by her husband. Women began to consider their
future and many were determined to be in control of their own destiny.
Women looking on the bright side of the separation saw it, amongst other
things, as giving them a second chance at a career, either a new one or
one put on hold whilst the children were growing up. This opportunity
would not have arisen had the marriage continued, and so with hindsight
these women were thankful. It was often seen as an exciting time of living
again after a period of merely existing.
The
courage that women showed shone out above all else. Of course there were
times of deep despair and depression and many found help by talking to a
counsellor. There are times when friends or family just won’t do, and
someone outside of our circle can help most.
Those
who were able to shake off a sense of grievance and betrayal were the ones
who felt they were entitled to a second bite of the cherry, and to take
hold of life with both hands. They were ready to say ‘Okay world, here I
come again.’
© Jill Curtis
2001 Visit Jill's website
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