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Emotional Abuse, A Serious Matter
Most people don't consider emotional abuse a serious matter, thinking that it only qualifies as abuse when a woman is punched or slapped around. Unfortunately, the wounds from verbal abuse can run just as deep and take longer to heal than the black eyes and bruises of physical abuse.
What is emotional abuse?
Emotional abuse can be defined as the systematic tearing down of another human being through such methods as rejection, isolation, terrorizing, put downs, and more. When a person endures such behavior for a prolonged period of time, they can become a shadow of their former selves. The bad thing about emotional abuse is that it is gradual, so much so that the woman involved may not even realize that she is a victim of abuse. Everything may look normal, but the relationship just isn't right.
Are You a victim of Emotional Abuse?
If you find yourself continually walking on eggshells around your partner, see if any of the following questions ring true about your relationship:
Are the main issues in your relationship never resolved?
Have you quit bringing up the subject because the fight is not worth it?
Do you feel like you have to give in on everything just to keep the peace?
Do you express your opinion less and less freely?
Do you bite your tongue and hold things in so as not to rock the boat?
Do you give in to sexual demands just to keep the peace?
Do you go out of your way to please him and win his approval, only to have your actions go unnoticed or worse yet, being belittled for them?
Does he blame you for everything wrong in his life?
Does he expect perfection in keeping the house spotless, cooking meals, caring for the children, etc?
Does he continually bring up your weight, how you look and dress, subtly showing his disapproval?
Has he blamed you for the fact that he had an affair?
Do you live on a budget while he spends money freely?
Do you feel like you're not an equal partner; that his needs and wants always come first?
Are you always made to feel like you are wrong and he is right?
Do you often feel like you're just not good enough?
Does he say "I love you but….", making his love conditional on something you do or don't do?
Does he often have outbursts over trivial things?
Do you find yourself second-guessing your every move so that you don't anger him?
Does he continually question where you've been, who you were with, and whether you're having an affair?
Does he make snide remarks and rude comments about your close friends and family?
If you've answered yes to more than three of these questions, you may be in an emotionally abusive relationship. You probably feel a sort of emptiness and unhappiness about life in general. While everything may look normal on the outside, the continual struggle to be perfect and keep your man happy is probably wearing you down.
Getting Caught In the Trap
What most people don't understand is that an emotionally abusive relationship doesn't start out that way. In the beginning, your partner was probably caring and attentive, sweeping you off your feet. Once you were convinced that "he was the one", things slowly began to change. Maybe there was a little comment about the house being dusty, so you made a mental note to always keep the house clean. Maybe he just picked at his food, so you began to go out of your way to only cook what he liked.
Over time, you began to shift your focus from your needs to keeping the peace and making him happy. This isn't necessarily a bad thing to an extent; we all try to do things to please our mate. It becomes a problem when your whole focus in life revolves around keeping him happy. Your relationship becomes dysfunctional when you begin to feel that everything wrong in the relationship is your fault, and that if you can somehow fix your flaws, then everything will be okay.
When you begin to believe that you aren't good enough, smart enough, or just aren't plain "enough" for your partner; you begin to lose all sense of yourself. It no longer matters what you want out of life, and you've forgotten what it means to be happy. You end up being a robot; merely surviving from day to day as you feelings become numb from dealing with the emotional abuse.
You're Not To Blame
If you think that emotional abuse plays a part in your relationship, you need to remind yourself that you aren't to blame for the situation. Remember that it takes "two to tango", and both partners need to put effort into making the relationship work. You deserve just as much happiness and stability in your life as your partner does.
Find Help and Support
Whether you choose to stay in your relationship or move on, I would strongly suggest getting some help to deal with the issues. Because emotional abuse has such an eroding effect on self-esteem, it can be hard to break free from it. You can contact you local domestic violence center to find out about counseling and group sessions. You may be reluctant to take the first step because you don't feel like you fit the image of a battered woman, but don't let this stop you. Most shelters have counselors trained in dealing with all issues of abuse and helping victims break free from the control. Take that first step to getting your life back.
©Tracy Achen 2004
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