We all know couples who have
broken up, but it is when our own children tell us that their
family is in trouble that the pain really hits. Now that the level of
divorces is so high there is wider acknowledgment of the distress this
causes not only to the couple, but to the children as well. What is often
not spoken about is the grief that this causes us - the older generation.
When my daughter told me that
her husband was leaving her and the children my first thoughts were, of
course, about the emotional cost both to her and to her young son and
daughter. Later I had time to think about what it meant to me as a
grandmother.
When I was researching for my
books on family issues, I spoke with hundreds of grandmothers and
grandfathers who have been through the trauma of a divorce in the family.
Each had a story to tell. What made a lasting impression on me was how
deeply affected they all were. Grandmothers wept as they told me how
devastated they had been by the breakup of a family in which they thought
their own child and grandchildren were happy and secure.
Molly: "All three of my
children are divorced. Is it a sign of the times, or did I do something
terribly wrong when I was bringing them up?" This question, couched
in different terms was one which faced me daily. Is there really a
satisfactory answer to this?
A very upsetting element was
to hear how grandparents became involved in the wrangle between the
divorcing couple. In many sad cases grandparents found themselves cut out
of their grandchildren’s lives. This was often because the parent who
has custody of the children either moved away, or because little attempt
was made to keep in touch with the ex-partner’s parents. It seemed that
punishing the "other" parent’s parents became part of the
scenario, with little thought of what this might mean to the grandparents
or, indeed, the children. It is very sad when children not only have to
cope with the breakup of their family, but lose half of their extended
family as well.
Another issue can be the
question of loyalty. What if it is your own child who has brought about
the breakup of the family? A really dreadful situation can arise if there
has to be choice between supporting your own "child" and perhaps
a new partner, or supporting a very unhappy ex son- or daughter-in-law.
Choices do have to be made, and the heartache for the grandparents may
last forever. A rift in the family can also spread to include other
members of the extended family too.
Parents of the divorcing
couple, on the whole, find little support. It is seldom realized that when
there is a divorce this may bring about the loss of a much loved son or
daughter-in-law. It can be like a death, but there is no outward
expression of mourning allowed.
Other grandparents find
themselves with a fresh "hands on" link with their grandchildren
providing childcare to enable a parent to work outside the home. This in
itself can be a mixed blessing, as I heard from many grandmothers (and
grandfathers). All took on the task with love, but often found themselves
struggling with the physical demands of looking after small children
again.
So remember if you have a
friend who tells you of a family divorce, make sure you provide some
support and even a shoulder to cry on. Our children always need us, as
parents, to be strong and often the weeping must be done away from them.
Remember, too, that any divorce becomes a family divorce and if
this has happened in your family I know that seeing your child and
grandchildren in turmoil and pain becomes an unimaginable ache. I am a
grandmother, and I have been there.